An overdue entry - Dad

I haven't written anything yet on Arwah. I really wanted to post something on him, but I keep on delaying the post. Part of me didn't know what to write on, part of me wanted to keep it all as a private memory. Then again, the reason this blog exist in the first place is to keep all my memories - good, bad, happy, sad, anything related to my life. So i decided to write it down, who knows one day my kid(s) will read it kan?

He was the type that really took care on his food intake, altho kekadang dia belasah je makan. Mana taknya, he had diabetic since he was 35 y.o. Started with pills, then sometime in 2000 +, he started with his insulin. Masa awal2 diabetic, badan dia fit jugak. Lama-lama, makin kurus. Selepas saya kawin, and dapat ashraf, one day dia terjatuh kat toilet. Doc kata vertigo. Then later on, he had high blood. He was in tak percaya mode since he had low blood. Lama-lama, kidney pula kena attack. Finally, he had to undergo dialysis treatment on alternate days (3 times a week).

We had lunch together on Sunday, kat Muhibah*Seafood. Monday tu pulak, my mom call suruh pujuk dia gi hospital sebab dia semput. Masa masuk hospital, dia terus dibawa ke ICU. Condition: tak sedar. Doc said that his heart was only 20% functioning. I didn't put my hopes high. Bukan mendoakan yang buruk, tapi memang saya ni jenis yang prepare for worst. Nak pulak saya jenis yang tak suka express emotion depan orang ramai. At least I'm prepared for the worst. Alhamdullillah, besok tu dia sedar. Borak segala, but sometimes dia weak. Doc tebuk lungs kanan and keluarkan 800ml air, lungs kiri pulak 900ml air. Masa lung kanan ditebuk, hari selasa, dia ok.

I should have guess, tapi biasa lah, selalunya orang terdekat memang tak perasan kan. Khamis petang tu, badan dia sejuk macam air batu. Mama dok sibuk suruh mengucap, but I just stood there - numb. Cuma dapat urut dia dan sapu minyak panas je. Sebab arwah kata dia hypo (kurang gula). True enough, his sugar level was 3.3. sangat rendah. Malam tu, i stayed with him at hospital. Little that I know, that night is my last night with him. I regretted the decision i made - to go to work on Friday morning. Sebab? Lunch break Jumaat lama. He said, pergi la. but make sure tengah hari datang. Mom called me at 12, cakap Papa lemah sangat. I said I'm on my way. Then tak lama, Mom called again, cakap papa tadi heart dia stop for 15 minutes, tapi dah revive dah. Waiting for him to get stable. Me, driving like a F1 driver, dalam jalan yang sesak orang nak pergi solat jumaat.


I reached the ICU at 12.45. His condition masih macam tu. Doc tak kasi sesiapa masuk. Nurse, dok keluar masuk. Then nurse berlari keluar, sibuk panggil orang farmasi. I knew something was wrong. Doc keluar, cakap dia kena heart attack sekali lagi, and they are trying their best. Me? I prayed hard for him. After 15 minutes or so, Doc keluar, and asked me to call the wife - my mom. I just stood still, knowing that the chance is very slim. True enough, doc said they had try their best, but there's nothing more they can do. He left us - forever. Baru je hari sebelum tu, borak2 dengan arwah, dia tanya "Nor tau tak, doc kata papa ada 6 months to live?" and of course i know everything the doctor said, but me being me answered back, "Alaa, tu cakap doctor je. Derang predict je. InsyaAllah, if papa lawan, doctor predict tu tak betul". Yes, the prediction was so wrong. But, it became shorter. Instead of 6 months, he only had a couple of extra days to be with us - his family.

Dah sebulan dah Arwah papa tak ada bersama kami, but only recently, I really felt that I missed him so much. Betul-betul terasa kehilangan dia. Especially when it comes to handle everything myself. Being the eldest, I have a lot to think about. And having a 21 y.o lil brother, at that age, he is still 15 y.o. Discussing with mom, doesn't meet any end point. Sebab? At this time, pemikiran mereka belum tentu rasional. And I started thinking, "Alangkah bagusnya kalau Arwah ada. Sebab walaupun dia tu garang macam musang (orang tgg kata ayoh mu musang. ekekek) tapi dia adalah glue yang boleh handle semua sekali". And banyak benda yang saya tak sependapat dengan dia dulu, I finally understood the rational of his argument.

Last but not least, Al-Fatihah to Arwah Papa. Semoga sentiasa ditempatkan di kalangan hambanya yang beriman, dan tenang di sana. Love you always